CIRCUIT: Oye Short Circuit yeh light bulb pe baap ka naam kya likh raha hai?
SHORT CIRCUIT: Apun baap ka naam roshan kar rehla hai.
MUNNA BHAI: Mamu, apun bachpan mein dus maley ke building se gir gaya tha.
MAMU: Aarey, phir kya hua. Bach gaya ki tapak gaya?
MUNNA BHAI: Yaad nehin hai yaar. Bahut purane baat hai.
CIRCUIT: Aye Mamu, tereko papad aur jhapad mein pharak pata hai kya?
MAMU: Nehin.
CIRCUIT: To kha ke dekh le, pata chal jayega.
MUNNA BHAI: Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT: Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI: Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT: Bole toh, simple hai bhai,
Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.
PROFESSOR: Akal bari ki bhains?
MUNNA BHAI: Bole toh pehlay date of birth bata mamu.
MAMU: Chand toh raat ko nikalta hai, aaj din mein kaise nikal aya?
GIRL:Ullu to raat ko bolta hai, aaj din mein kaise bol para?
Santa: I tried ur number so many times, it always said ‘Switched Off’!”
Banta: Nooo, it’s my HELLO TUNE!
**********
Teacher 2 student : What’s Your Cast ?
Student : Pehle to hum Pandit The,
Fir Rajput Hue,
Fir Baniya ho Gaye,
Abhi Hai Darji,
Or
Aage AMMI ki Marzi.
Agar Basanti Ki Mausi Thakur Ko Rakhi Bandhe to Basanti
or Thakur Ka Kya Rishta Hua ? ? ?
Socho…..
Socho…..
Kuch Bhi Nahi Apna Apna Kaam Karo
Thakur Ke Haath Hi Nahi The.
If People Say You are Crazy,
be patient,
You are monkey relax,
You are Mad,
be cool,
but
if they say you are Smart ,
Thappad lagana Saale ko !
Mazaak ki bhi had hoti hai.
Santa: Woh ladki kitni sundar hai!
Banta: Mujhe uska naam pata hai.
Santa: Kya naam hai uska?
Banta: Woh bank mein kaam karti hai,
Uske counter ke upar uska naam likha tha “CHAALU KHAATA”
Santa ki shaadi ek nurse se ho gayi.
Banta: Aur santa, kaisi nibh rahi hai?
Santa: Pooch mat yaar, jab tak sister na kaho, bolti hi nahi.
Banta: Yeh chaaku kyon ubaal rahe ho?
Santa: Suicide karne ke liye
Banta: To phir ubalne kui kya zaroorat hai?
Santa: Kahin infection na ho jaaye
Girl: Will u marry me?
Santa: No, humare yahan shaadi sirf relatives mein hi hoti hai.
Mummy ne Papa se, Didi ne Jijaji se aur Bhaiya ne Bhabhi se
Banta ped pe chada to upar baithey bandar ne poocha: Upar kyon aaya?
Banta: Apple khane.
Bandar: Yeh to aam ka ped hai.
Banta: Pata hai, apple saath laya hoon.
Santa: Ghar ka saara keemti samaan chhupa ke rakh do,
mere dost aa rahe hain.
Jeeto: Kyon! Aapke dost chura lengey?
Santa: Nahin, pehchan lengey.
Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha,
yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya.
Santa ke bagiche mein bahut sare ped – paudhe thay,
Santa naukar ko bola ped-paudhon ko pani dal.
Naukar: Sahab baarish ho rahi hai.
Santa: Abe to Chatri leke dal.
Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha,
har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aaya hai.
Ek Din CHINTU Ne Apne Dost Ko Bataya- “Meri Bivi PINKI Itni Dayalu Hai Ki Wah Bartan Dhone Wale Ko Pani Garm Karke Deti Hai. Dono Time Chay Aur Khana Bhi Deti Hai.”
“Kamaal Hai! Aaj Ki Mahilaye Itni Udaar Ho Sakti Hai, Par Tumhare Yaha Bartan Kaun Dhotaa Hai?” Mitra Ne Puchha.
“Mai.” CHINTU Ne Jawab Diya.
Ek Taange Ki Ghodi Jab Chalte-Chalte Ruk Jati, To Kochvaan CHINTU Utarakar Uske Saamane Gana Gata.
Gana Sunkar Ghodi Phir Se Chalne Lag Jaati Thi.
Aakhir Tang Aakar Taange Me Baithi Hui Savari Ne CHINTU Se Puchha- “Bhai, Ye Kya Kissa Hai? Tumhari Ghodi Gana Sunkar Aage Kyo Badhti Hai?”
CHINTU Ne Batayaa- “Babu Ji, Vastav Me Yah Baarat Ki Ghodi Hai……”
CHINTU Ne Apni Patni PINKI Se Puchha- “PINKI Darling Mere Rishtedaro Me Tum Kise Sabse Jyadaa Chahti Ho, Is Baat Ka Jawab Do.”
“Tumhari Saas Ji Ko.” Patni PINKI Ne Ek Pal Sochkar Jawab Diya.”
PINKI Ne Apni Padosin Ki Ladki Se Kaha- “Akhir Baat Kya Hai, Tum Muje Dekhte Ho Aankhe Kyo Churakar Bhag Jati Ho?”
“Juth Na Bolo PINKI Anti. Chori Karne Ki Meri Aadat Nahi Hai.” Chh Saal Ki Ladki Ne Kaha.
Ek Private Narsing Home Me Bharti Daulatamand CHINTU Ji Ne Khubsurat Nars PINKI Se Kaha- “Sister Mai Tumse Shadi Karna Chahtaa Hu.”
“Sorry! Apke Parivar Me “Sister” Se Shadi Karne Ka Rivaz Hai?” PINKI Ne Jawab Diya
Kisi Kaam Se Pados Ki Ek Vruddh Mahila PINKI Ke Ghar Aai ! Aupachariktaawash Unke Liye Kaanch Ke Gilas Me Sharbat Banakar Le Aai.
“Bahu, Mai Kaanch Ke Gilas Me Nahi Piungi.” Vruddh Mahila Ne Kaha.
“Is Par Paas Baithi PINKI Ki Chh Varshiy Putri Boli- “Isi Me Pi Lijiye. TUT Gaya To Mammi Kuchh Nahi Kahegi.”
Guddi (Apni Saheli Nirjaa Se)- “Maine Apne Pati Guddu Ko Unki Ashiqmijaji Par Bahut Kharikhoti Sunayi.”
Nirjaa- “Fir To Bechare Sharm Se Pani-Pani Ho Gaye Honge?”
Guddi- “Are Nahi, Ulte Kahne Lage Ki Tumhe Bhi Ameriki Rashtrpati Ki Patni Se Sabak Sikhna Chahiye.
Guddi (Guddu Se)- “Darling, Kal Ham Shadi Karne Ja Rahe Hai. Mai Tumse Kuchh Nahi Chhipana Chahti.
Apne Pichhale Prem Prasango Ke Bare Me Tumhe Sab Kuchh Bata Dena Chahti Hu.”
Guddu- “Tumne To 2 Saptah Pahle Hi Sab Kuchh Bata Diya Hai.”
Guddi- “Par Wah To 2 Saptah Pahle Ki Bat Hai. Is Bich To….”
Doctor- “Kya Baat Hai?’
Guddu- “Muje Kutte Ne Kat Liya Hai.”
Doctor- “Kya Tumhe Malum Nahi Hai Ki Mai 7 Baje KeBad Kisi Rogi Ko Nahi Dekhta?”
Guddu- “Ji, Malum Hai, Magar Yah Bat Kutte Ko Malum Nahi Thi.”
“Akhir T.V. Me Aisi Kya Khubi Hai, To Tum Hamesha Usi Se Chipke Rahate Ho?’
Guddi Ne Guddu Se Jara Jallakar Kaha.
Guddu Ne Jawab Diya- “Dabbu Ki Mammi,
Mai Jab Chahu T.V. Ka Munh To Band Kar Sakta Hu.”
Misses PINKI Apne Padosi Ke Yaha Bachcha Hone Par Unke Saat Saal Ke Bete CHINTU Se Boli- ‘Ab To Tumhare Yaha Naya Bebi Aa Gaya Hai?”
CHINTU Munh Bichkaakar Bola- “Aunti! Use Naya Kahti Hai? Are! Jab Wah Rota Hai To Lagta Hai Ki Kai Saalo Se Rona Sikh Raha Ho.”
Cinemahall Me Guddu Ke Bagal Me Baithi 2 Aurate Lagatar Apas Me Baate Kiye Ja Rahi Thi. Thodi Der Tak To Guddu Sabra Kiye Baitha Raha Lekin Fir Junjalaa Kar Bola- “Maaf Kijiyega, Muje Apki Baatchit Ke Chalte Film Ka Koi Dialogue Sunaai Nahi Pad Raha Hai. Aap…..”
“To Ham Bhi Kaha Aap Ko Suna Rahe Hai, Hamari Private Baatchit Chal Rahi Hai.” Unme Se Guddi Ne Munh Banaate Huye Kaha.
Daku Mangal Singh Banta ke ghar mein ghusa aur bola: Sona kahan hai, jaldi bataao
Banta: Pura ghar khali hai malko, jithe marzi so jao!
**********
Santa to Jeeto: Kaisi sabzi banai hai, bilkul Gobar jaisa swad hai.
Jeeto, maatha peet te hue: Hey bhagwan! Na jane inhone kya-kya kha ke dekha hua hai.
**********
A crow shits on a Banta. Preeto gives tissue paper to him.
Banta: Koi phayda nahin, kauwa toh ud gaya!
**********
Banta: Jab main paida hua tha to military walon ne 21 topein chalayeen thi.
Santa: Kamaal hai ! Sab ka nishana chook gaya ?
**********
Santa meets his old friend.
Santa: A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B.
Friend: Oye, iska matlab?
Santa: Kuch nahin yaar, I mean long time no C.
**********
Santa: Drinking n driving dono nalo naal nai ho sakde.
Banta: Y?
Santa: Je speed breaker aa gaya taa peg dul jau.
**********
Phone ki ring baji. Santa: Phone mere liye ho to kehna mein ghar pe nahin hoon.
Jeeto phone pe: Wo ghar pe hain.
Santa: Maine mana kiya that…
Jeeto: Phone mere liye tha!
**********
Santa to a doc: Apne nurse bahut achchi rakhi hai, uska haath lagtey hi mein theek ho gaya.
Doc: Jaanta hoon, thappad ki awaaz mujhe bhi sunai di thi.
**********
Santa was writing the passive voice of ‘I made a mistake.’
He wrote: I was made by a mistake.
**********
Santa: Oh yaar main badi mushkil mein hoon. Meri biwi mujhse ek pappi ka Ek rupeya leti hai.
Banta: Oh yaar tu lucky hai, auron se to woh 5 rupye leti hai.
**********
Santa to Banta: Main apna purse ghar bhool aaya, mainu 1000 Rs chahide si.
Banta: Dost hi dost de kam aunda hai, le 10 Rs, riksha kar te purse le aa.
**********
Banta: Wo ladki deaf lagti hai. Main kuch kehta hoon, woh kuch aur hi bolti hai.
Santa: Kaise?
Banta: Maine kaha I Luv U, to woh boli ‘Maine kal hi Naye Sandal kharide hain’
Banta to Doctor : Doctor Sahab! Mein apna dimag daan karna chahta hu.
Doctor : Hoga to hum le lenge .
Son to Dad : Papa, Mein itna bada kab hounga ki mein mummy se bina puche
bahar ja saku?
Papa : Beta abhi itna bada to mein bhi nahi hua!!!
Autowala to Santa : Sahab, 100 rupaye ho gaye.
Santa ne 50 rupaye autowale ko de diye.
Autowala : Sahab ye to gundagardi hai, meter ki hisab se 100 rupaye hue hai.
Santa : Tu bhi to baithkar aaya hai, tera kiraya bhi kya mujhe dena
parega!!!
Ek din Santa ne apni premika ko himmat jutakar keh dala – I love you.
Premika(Gusse se) : Jara pyar se nahi keh sakte?
Santa : I love you Didi!!!!
Girl : Tum ladke kisi bhi ladki me sabse pehle kya dekhte ho?
Boy : Ye to depend karta hai ki ladki aa rahi hai ya ja rahi hai!!
Dur gaon me jab maa baap sote nahi the,
to bacha kehta hai, so ja bapu,
so ja, warna ek aur ho jayega!!!
Girl-to-Boy – Aaye bewafe tune sab kuch saaf kar diya,
mera dil jala kar rakh kar diya
Boy-to-Girl – Aye ladki, teri kurbani bekar nahi jayegi,
bhej de rakh mujhe, bartan manjne ke kaam aayegi.
Pati aur patni ghumne gaye. Raaste me ek gadhe ko ghaas kata
dekh patni ne pati se kaha – Oo G tumhara rishtedaar ghaas
kha raha hai, namaste karo.
Pati – Namaste Sasur Ji
Santa ne Banta se kaha,”Sabse bada challenge kya hai?”
Banta replied – Answer sheet ko khaali chod do aur last me likh dena,
paas karke dikha.
Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Bhola: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Bhola: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai and jumps into the well.
Bhola: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?
Teacher : Santa batao `M’ for kya hota hai?
Santa : Sir, Mother!
Teacher : Right! Aab batao W for kya hota hai?
Santa kuch sochne lagta hai
Teacher : Santa kya soch rahe ho?
Santa : Sir, mein yeh soch raha tha ki Maa ulti kaise ho gayi?
Teacher : Santa ye batao tense kitne tarah ke hote hai?
Santa : Teen maidam.
Teacher : Teeno ke ek-ek example batao.
Santa : Madam, meine kal aapki beti ko dekha tha. Aaj mein ussey pyar karta
hu aur kal mein ussey bhaga kar le jaunga.
CIRCUIT: Oye Short Circuit yeh light bulb pe baap ka naam kya likh raha hai?
SHORT CIRCUIT: Apun baap ka naam roshan kar rehla hai.
MUNNA BHAI: Mamu, apun bachpan mein dus maley ke building se gir gaya tha.
MAMU: Aarey, phir kya hua. Bach gaya ki tapak gaya?
MUNNA BHAI: Yaad nehin hai yaar. Bahut purane baat hai.
CIRCUIT: Aye Mamu, tereko papad aur jhapad mein pharak pata hai kya?
MAMU: Nehin.
CIRCUIT: To kha ke dekh le, pata chal jayega.
MUNNA BHAI: Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT: Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI: Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT: Bole toh, simple hai bhai,
Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.
PROFESSOR: Akal bari ki bhains?
MUNNA BHAI: Bole toh pehlay date of birth bata mamu.
MAMU: Chand toh raat ko nikalta hai, aaj din mein kaise nikal aya?
GIRL:Ullu to raat ko bolta hai, aaj din mein kaise bol para?
